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I'm the mother of four children who hopes to raise them to be productive, compassionate, humble citizens of our planet...who will also use their turn signals.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Dieting isn't as fun as it sounds....

Approaching week seven of my dieting experience, I thought I'd share some of my thoughts and observations.

I think one of the first things you realize when you are dieting is how much time you actually spend THINKING about food. I don't know about you, but when I look at the clock, 9 times out of 10 it is to see when my next meal or snack will be. And this society we live in sure isn't doing a SINGLE thing to help me out. Food on every corner, drive-thru access, Food Network on television, covers of magazines with pictures of decadent treats, food courts in malls with people EATING, refrigerators in EVERY home. What the heck? How's a girl supposed to be successful at silencing the hunger when the whole village is shoving all its tasty goodness in your face 24/7?

Of course, there are exceptions to the "tasty goodness". Unfortunately, those exceptions are what I'm supposed to be eating. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of lovely vegetables and filling grains to choose from, but some of the other options just leave me hungry, angry, and asking why. Here are a few that come to mind:

I'd like to first introduce you to this UFO...Unidentified Food Object. It is actually marketed as food, but between you and me, I have my doubts. Here's a flattering photo of what I'm speaking of.

Right about now you are probably wondering if the lack of calories I've been consuming is somehow affecting my brain function. You are thinking, "Surely, she's kidding!" Maybe you are even trying to guess what this REALLY is.

Perhaps a manufactured fire-starter, eliminating the need for kindling and newspaper?

Or is it some sort of new building product, sold in aisle 6 of Home Depot?

Something that was left behind by a square dog?

Alas, my friends, it is a nutritional snack! Who wouldn't want to turn down the sleeve of Oreos or pass by the sack of Doritos when you can have THIS kibble! I mean it even has JOY in the name of it, how bad could it be? (Hint: BAD).

And it's not just the looks of things, it's the texture. I give you Exhibit A, the rice cake.

I shouldn't be selling them short, as I actually "enjoy" (a relative term) the cheddar version. And these babies pull double-duty! You can snack on them AND, in a pinch, use them as packing material for that precious glass ornament you are mailing to Aunt Mildred.

Last but not least in my food rant, the portions. I understand that portion control is a big part of losing weight. Honestly, I never really had a problem with portion control, until I started seeing the portions that the fine folks at Lean Cuisine dish out. Good God, no wonder it's only 4 points...it's only four freakin' bites!

To prove my point, I'd like to document a little experiment. Step into my laboratory...

...or to most of you, a child's play kitchen. You're thinking, why is she showing me this teeny tiny pot on a fake burner, aren't you? Well, I'm going somewhere with this people, if you'll work with me. But I'll warn you, the place I'm going ain't pretty.

Yes, you are seeing that correctly. In that pint-sized pot on that wee little burner is an ENTIRE Lean Cuisine meal. EVERY. BITE.

Now I really don't want to come off as if the only thing I'm drinking on this diet is the HATER-ade, but you can only push a person so far. Apparently week seven is my breaking point, in case you hadn't figured that out.

I'm not giving up though, just venting. And to prove my point, my next post will be from Sweet Stephanie Sunshine (the good twin). I'll be posting some of the more delicious things I've come across on my journey to weight loss. I have a funny feeling it will be a much shorter post.


Cathy said...

You are hilarious. And THINNER!

Anonymous said...

Elizabeth Hurley, when asked how she stays so svelte, said she goes to bed every night "Sad and hungry." She must have been eating that SoyJoy bar. They are RATHER nasty. Poor Steph!
Hang in there.

- B said...

This was hilarious. SO TRUE! I wanted to yell, "AMEN sister!" to everything! Now excuse me while I finish the 2.5 bites of lean cuisine. :-)

Candy said...

LOL!!! I saw the link on Cathy Z's twitter and I've read your entire blog... thank you for the laughs today!! Hope you don't mind another reader. :)

Emily Pitts said...

at least you can see the humor in it all. keep going! you can do it :)

Pink Granite said...

Love it!
My husband and I both laughed out loud!
The chop saw & the square dog sent us over the edge.
Your blog is now in my RSS feed...
- Lee

Misti said...

You're seriously cracking me up! Love the shots of the SOYJOY bar in various scenarios. Now I know to never try one. ;o)

Kathy said...

OMG, that is hilarious!!! I can't stop laughing.

Katy said...

I agree 110%...
and the 100 calorie snacks are 100 calorie because they aren't a SERVING! ;)

barbie2be said...

seriously... the soy joy bars must be made out of sawdust!

rockspringmama said...

laughing out loud at those soyjoy shots. Yikes...who EATS those? THanks for the warning :) Keep up the good work!

Daymond said...

Haterade ... LMAO! ... Actually, if only it COULD be laughed off! Sadly, I knew from the first pic what that nondesript brick-like thing was b/c I ate one ONCE. And I'll never do it again. I'd take water over one of those. There is no joy in that soy. Hang in there! :)